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Bro Code

In: Social Issues

Submitted By pewdiemo
Words 5144
Pages 21
1. Play laser tag once a week.
2. Tip generously. We ALL have to make up for Ted.
3. Don't get married before you're thirty.
4. Always open a door for a lady. Even if she's ugly.
5. Own at least one suit, but twelve if you can.
6. Keep your apartment chilly. Nipples reveal themselves at temperatures below 60° F / 150° C.
7. An easy way to score chicks is to pose as a NASCAR driver because they're rich, dangerous, and nobody knows what they look like because, duh, helmets.
8. Mani-pedis are not just for girls, but drinks with umbrellas emphatically are, Marshall.
9. Two never-fail ways to grease a bouncer: Slip him a $20, or compliment his neck muscles.
10. Have a "guy" for everything.
11. If it seems like the group is almost ready to go, play it safe and yell, "Shotgun!"
12. Remove your keys from your front pocket before receiving a lap dance. It's called respect. Plus, you'll feel it on your junk more.
13. Learning to play the air drums will save your life one day.
14. Give at least as many high fives as you get.
15. Subscribe to "O" magazine. It's full of great tips and tricks for around the house.
16. Have sex in a bathroom stall.
17. If you ever find yourself in a tricky situation, ask yourself, "What would Ted do?" and do the exact opposite.
18. Teacup pigs might be lady-magnets, but they apparently don't digest chocolate.
19. If you ever meet a contortionist, I swear to God don't you ever let her go. I am so serious about this. I gotta sit down or something. Maybe drink some water.
20. Trying to ogle two boobs at the same time is like reading in a car – it'll make you sick.
21. If you're older than 30 and you do get married, accept the fact that throw pillows will become a big part of your life.
22. Magic is cool, despite what you may have heard from everyone you've ever talked to.
23. Never use the word "moist" on a first date.
24. Lick the Liberty Bell.
25. When visiting a strip club, do not sleep on the meatballs. They're exquisite.
26. Whatever your lifelong dream is, forget it. Your lifelong dream is now "Meet Hugh Hefner."
27. Do ten little-toe crunches every morning and maybe one day he won't cry all the way home.
28. Do unto others as you'd have done unto you. Except mouth stuff because, eww, gross.
29. Slender wife, happy life.
30. And most importantly, whatever happens in this life, it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.

"The Dream"

You wake up in the morning and start your day with a 24 hour dump. Dump Day. While that's certainly a long time, you now no longer have to poop for an entire year. Because there's no fear of dumping, your tauntaun butler helps dress you in a suit made of prosciutto so you can eat your way naked. On a full stomach, you travel via jet engine roller skates to a stadium where you enjoy a pack of lions fighting a Tyrannosaurus. Luckily, you're enjoying this with some chick you just met; who as it turns out is rocking an amazing set of back boobs. After the tyrannosaurus and lions battle to a draw, you ditch Back Boobs and head outside to see a dog driving a motorcycle. How'd he get on there? How does he keep his tail out of the exhaust? Why did the human agree to sit in the sidecar? Nobody knows, but it's awesome. When you get home, you open your globe bar where the earth has been replaced by a geographic representation of the Barnerian Empire and pour yourself a scotch using ice cubes made out of scotch, so when they melt, you just get more scotch. You settle in with your scotch on the scotch and turn on the TV to a channel that exclusively features elderly people trying to run through thunderstorms. After getting your fill of laughter for the year, you eat your cell phone made out of pretzels and chocolate for a snack, and then switch on some Olympic coverage, which now prominently features the Olympic sport of Laser Tag. You can't watch for too long though because you have to try to hook up with a bunch of bridesmaids at your best bro's wedding. By the way, did you know bridesmaid's dresses have been replaced by yoga pants? On your way back from the wedding you swing by the Sorority Trampoline World Bounce Finals. Why? Because you're the honorary judge at the Sorority Trampoline World Bounce Finals! For some reason they're not letting you in though, so, quickly, Gosling, Tatum and you all pile into one giant trench coat, posing as an astonishingly tall businessman. You're in! You award one of the contestants first place and she gives you your own special award, which you receive again after you discover she's a hot chick who loses her short term memory during your refractory period. Unfortunately you can't repeat this forever because you've got to race home for one magical night with Lily. Good thing you just had those mirrored carpets installed and had time to put in your contact lens high definition video camera. Uh oh!! Her husband Marshall found out! Holy cow, he raced over here on a flying carpet that uses only flatulence for propulsion and punched you in the face. Your neighbor called the cops! But you take the fall and go to jail for your bro. And that? That's the dream. For now, Trampoline World Bounce Finals. Why? Because you're the honorary judge at the Sorority Trampoline World Bounce Finals! For some reason they're not letting you in though, so, quickly, Gosling, Tatum and you all pile into one giant trench coat, posing as an astonishingly tall businessman. You're in! You award one of the contestants first place and she gives you your own special award, which you receive again after you discover she's a hot chick who loses her short term memory during your refractory period. Unfortunately you can't repeat this forever because you've got to race home for one magical night with Lily. Good thing you just had those mirrored carpets installed and had time to put in your contact lens high definition video camera. Uh oh!! Her husband Marshall found out! Holy cow, he raced over here on a flying carpet that uses only flatulence for propulsion and punched you in the face. Your neighbor called the cops! But you take the fall and go to jail for your bro. And that? That's the dream. For now.
"I only have one rule"

Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
Never go out with a chick whose last name ends in a vowel.
If you're gonna get it on in a portable toilet, do it early in the day.
Never meet a girl's parents.
Never pass up a free sample.
Never pet a chicken.
If "Don't Stop Believing" comes on, stop whatever you're doing and sing along with one hand up in the air.
Never check a bag.
If it's yellow, flush it down, too.
Never spell check.
Never trust a dude with hair past his shoulders.
Never trust a dude with hair ON his shoulders.
Never delete "Sex and the city" from your DVR.
Never enter a wine bar. They attract women over 30.
Never wear a brown belt with black shoes.
No cats.
Never take a girl back to your place, especially if your place is the White House.
Always wash your hands before returning to work.
Never leave home with less than three condoms in your wallet.
However old a girl says she is add five years. However much a girl says she weighs add twenty pounds.
Never make the first or third out at third base.
Never meet a girl for lunch.
Never repeat yourself.
Don't say the same thing twice.
Bang twice, dump once.
The longer the line, the better the food.
Throw it high, say "goodbye." Throw it low, you're going to the show.
If you pay your taxes before a court mandates that you do, you've paid too soon.
When travelling internationally, it's best to stick to bottled water and avoid ice cubes.
C-cups and up.
Never run without stretching.
Never wear a clip-on.
Never use an airplane lavatory.
Wait at least an hour after eating before humping.
He who smelt it, dealt it.
Ask yourself, "What would Ted do?" Then do the opposite.
Never order a "small" beer.
Black tie is never optional.
If someone yells "Duck!" then duck.
Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with multiply by three to get the real number. 1. If she tells you she's "married."
This is chick-code for "I haven't done it in months, take me now."
2. If you're blocking her path to the bathroom and she says, "Pardon me."
Take away the P, A, R, and N and you have "Do me." It doesn't get much clearer than that. She wants you to join her in stall #3.
3. If she slaps you.
You know what they say: any physical contact is good contact. Be sure to establish a "safe word" beforehand. I recommend "help!"
4. If she insists the bouncers escort you out of the bar.
She wants to get you away from her friends and have you all to herself.
5. If she's eating pretzels.
Wants you to wrap her legs up in knots. Duh.
6. If the email she gives you ends with
She wants your junk, not your junk mail. No post-coital conversation required.
7. If she refuses your offer to buy her a drink.
She wants you to buy her dinner instead – in which case, bail. That's way too much effort when there's probably a girl nearby eating pretzels.
8. If she doesn't answer your phone calls.
She's letting your calls go to voicemail so she can listen to your voice over and over and over again. She horny!
9. If she's buttoning up her jacket and turning her body away from you.
She's teasing you by covering up her heaving bosom.
10. If she pulls you aside and says, "Seriously. You need to stop stalking me. You've been creeping me out all night. I'm about to call the cops."
Wink! It doesn't get much "harder to get" than that.

Below are five "Personality Improvement Cards." Print them out and give them to your friends, making sure to explain that you're just trying to help them be more awesome. If they resist, here's a great quotation from Ralph Waldo Emerson you can use to persuade them: "Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect and total awesomeness." True story.
Personality Improvement Card #1
Name: Alexander Macintosh
Job: 4-Time Motocross Champion
Quirks: Chugs motor oil before each race. Rarely vomits.

Personality Improvement Card #2
Name: Eddie Lightyear
Job: Drummer
Quirks: Can burp the entire alphabet. In Farsi.

Personality Improvement Card #3
Name: Tawny Gobblestock
Job: Female Porno Director
Quirks: Occasionally insists on getting "involved in the action." Great with actors.

Personality Improvement Card #4
Name: Jack Moustache
Job: Stuntman
Quirks: Taught Chuck Norris how to fight. Taught Jean-Claude Van Damme how to act.

Personality Improvement Card #5
Name: T.J. Mackey
Job: Seduction Artist / Motivational Speaker
Quirks: Knows how to "seduce and destroy" women. Makes a mean cocktail.

Forget every other rule I've ever stated because every other rule I've ever stated is old and I have only one rule: New is always better. That being said, there are some places on the Earth – older places - that are pretty cool and shouldn't necessarily be replaced by newer ones or augmented with bigger boobs.
Below is a list of locations that have earned "landmark" status in my own life.

MY BED: The epicenter of Awesomeness. It should be preserved and studied for future generations many of whom may have been conceived in, on, or under it.

JESSE LANGDORF'S CHILDHOOD HOUSE: Who is Jesse Langdorf? Shame on you for not knowing he was the American tailor who invented the all-weather wrinkle free neck-tie. Pay homage.

CIRO'S PIZZERIA, EAST MEADOW, NY: Drunk, stranded, and disoriented after learning the exciting way why they're called bridge and tunnel chicks, this local pizza joint totally Bro'd me out with two slices and a half dozen g-knots before directing me to the nearest train station.

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN: World famous arena home to countless classic boxing matches, basketball games, and concerts, this hallowed ground also played host to a thrilling, white-knuckle overtime event in section 323 during an otherwise ho-hum Rangers' game between me, a chick named Cindy, and her flexible friend Sarah? Sasha? Something with an "S"

MACLAREN'S BATHROOM: Where I met my best friend Ted Mosby and totally changed his life. Also where I met many of Ted's dates and totally changed their lives for a solid 7 minutes. Shhhh!

EMPIRE STATE BUILDING: Cool building that resembles a giant, Art Deco penis.

LUSTY LEOPARD VIP ROOM: Let's just say you'll need an ultraviolet light to see my signature.

LINCOLN CENTER FOR THE PERFORMING ARTS: What? A Bro can't take an evening off and enjoy the Royal Shakespeare Company? Jeeze Louise. Also, I once banged a ballerina backstage.

THE ARCADIAN: Hahahaha! Totally kidding. Tear that bitch down.

SAL'S LASER TAG EMPORIUM, WEST NYACK, NY: A young, unranked laser tag player wins his first invisibility match (and coupon for 1 free funnel cake). That player's name? Barney Stinson. True story.

Ducks are arguably the stupidest animals on the entire planet. Strike that. They are the stupidest animals ever to have lived on the planet. Stupider even than the dinosaurs which were so stupid they went extinct. Stupider even than the Stegosaurus which was the stupidest dinosaur of all. I know because I just looked it up on Wikipedia. It had a brain in its butt. That’s how stupid ducks are. Dinosaurs with butt brains were less stupid than them. Know what? Ducks aren’t even the stupidest animals on the planet. They are the stupidest animals in the entire universe, and you know there are planets out there with some pretty stupid animals. Even if there’s a planet out there that has animals made up entirely of Stegosaurus butt brains and Egg McMuffins, ducks are still stupider. By far. And if there’s a parallel universe where ducks think they’re super awesome and can shoot laser beams from their eyes and stuff then guess what? They’re still stupid. Think about it. Are there any good ducks in cartoons? Bugs Bunny: awesome. Snoopy: solid. Mickey Mouse: a little Ted-like but otherwise money. Daffy and Donald: pantless morons. They barely speak English! They say things like, “Sufferin succotash.” What kind of catch phrase it that? Scrooge McDuck is kinda cool because he’s totally loaded and has a swimming pool of gold and a money bin but if you dig deep enough he’s probably not really a duck. He’s probably something awesome, like a dog or an electric guitar dressed up like a duck. Ducks are stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. It’s even in their name. Mallard? Mal = Bad. Lard = Fat. And Fat + Bad = Celibate. That’s just simple math. You know who I really feel sorry for? The platypus. You take an otherwise awesome animal - it’s poisonous, yo (Wikipedia) – then you give it a freakin’ duck bill. Just think how embarrassed all the platypi are walking around with freakin’ duck bills. That’s why they stayed in Australia. They were too embarrassed about their freakin’ duck bills to go live in the real world. So next time you see a platypus say, “I’m sorry, bro. Evolution gave you the short end of the stick,” and offer up a conciliatory fist bump, taking care to avoid the hind limb cause that’s where the calcaneus spur secretes a venom that while non-lethal to humans can still lead to the development of hyperalgesia – a heightened sensitivity to pain. Oh, and next time you see a duck, kick it.


Grover Cleavage
Purgatory Melons DeGenerous

In addition, countless Latin phrases (the most significant being “Homines Ante Feminae,” or, Bros Before Hoes) have made their way into contemporary vernacular. For these contributions, and many others, we are forever indebted to our great Broman ancestors. (Especially, Caligula. That dude was dirty. Seriously, rent the movie.) Below are ten other Latin phrases, still in common use today…

Sir or Madam… actually, just Sir. If you’re a madam, just pass this over to a sir. Thanks, lady.
Six years ago I applied for patents on two inventions. You rejected the Chick Magnet citing fears of “catastrophic radioactive fallout.” Fair enough. No hard feelings. I sold the idea to a company in Turkmenistan that is beginning tests on a prototype Chick Magnet. Based on a very quick image search, I hope it’s a strong one. Yikes.
You never responded to my second idea, however, and I’d like to resubmit my patent application. The American Inventors Protection Act of 1999 (Public Law 106-113, 113 Stat. 1501) clearly states that any person who “invents or discovers any new and useful process, machine, manufacture, or composition of matter, or any new and useful improvement thereof, may obtain a patent.” I think you’ll find my invention easily meets those criteria. Ready?
Back Boobs.
That’s right. The visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggie style. (I’d also like to patent that slogan.)
The idea is simple: Supplement the modern female chest with an equally supple bosom atop her currently flat shoulder blades. This way women can elevate their social status by doubling their cleavage while men gain the ability to gawk at a pair of cans without having to feign eye contact or interest in whatever it is women talk about… Our best guess is “shopping.”
While the invention is tentatively titled “Back Boobs,” I’d also like to file for protection of the following possible names:
“Back Rack”
“Mirror Melons”
“Boob Mullet”
“Double D 360”
“Flesh Backpack”
In addition, I’d like to file for provisional patents on potential collateral inventions such as:
“The Extreme Sports Bra”
“The Double Bikini”
“Back Boob Jobs”
“Fully Topless Bars”
“Reverse Motorboating”
I anxiously await your response. We’re excited to begin “development.” Dear Smed,
It’s simple. I am more awesome than you. Also, I never leave my apartment without my Legendary Night Kit (patent pending). As long as I have my trusty tools and weapons, I’m guaranteed a Legendary Night ™ no matter where I’m at or who I’m with. How full-proof is this kit? So full-proof that I’ve had multiple Legendary Nights despite hanging out with:
• An ex-girlfriend
• A Bigfoot enthusiast
• A pregnant chick
• A whiny professor of architecture
You’ve probably never seen me access my Legendary Night Kit because it’s hidden in plain sight. While the casual admirer thinks I’m simply wearing a handmade Italian wool suit, look closer and in addition to the perfect seams, the diamond encrusted pinstripe, and an iridescent sheen achieved only through some ethically questionable sheep husbandry, you might notice the following items:
Around Neck:
TIE - Not just the pièce de résistance in your ensemble, it’s also useful for blindfolding, tethering hands to bedposts, and as a quick escape out the window.
Inner RightBreast Pocket:
PASSPORT (real) - Legendary nights aren’t confined to the good ol’ U.S. of A. How else are you going to see Canadian treasures the Dabrowski Sisters do the only Siamese twin stripper act in North America?
Inner Left Breast Pocket:
PASSPORT (fake) - Prince Edwardo of the Duchy of Bulgravia never has a boring night.
Right Pants Pocket:
GUMMI BEARS - Legendary nights can leave you tired. These rainbow colored little bastards are pure energy.
Left Pants Pocket:
DECK OF CARDS - A round or two of poker breaks the ice with anyone, from a couple of tipsy co-eds, to the roadie for Metallica, to that shady dude you met at the bodega who may or may not be ex KGB. Also: magic tricks.
Right Pants Leg:
SIX RED SOLO CUPS - There’s no such thing as a non-legendary game of Flip Cup.
Left Pants Leg:
LIGHTSABER - No explanation needed for why this is included. A reproduction will do if you can’t get a real one.

Barney Stinson


Feel free to press play on that Blue Ray player if your bro’s conquest is hotter than the strength of your bro-lationship:
H > ((.FF X Lbs) / 3A) X BrF
H = Chick’s hotness on the traditional 1-10 scale
FF = Freak Factor - percentage chance of your bro being into something really freaky
Lbs = Your bro’s weight
A = Your bro’s age
BrF = Bro Factor – being on a scale of 0-10, the closeness of your relationship with your bro. 0 being not a bro – 10 being your separated-at-birth Siamese twin brother.
Here’s an example or two to illustrate:
Should Vince Neil watch bro, Tommy Lee’s, sex tape? Let’s go to the formula to find out:
9 > ((.76 X 185) / (3 X 33) X 7
9 is not greater than 9.4941 – Sorry Vince. You’re stuck watching reruns of Baywatch if you wanna see Pam’s cans.
Should Larry Flynt watch any of Hugh Hefner’s many, many sex tapes? Hugh’s probably not doing anything freaky enough to weird ol’ Lar-dog out, so…
9 > ((.23 X 125) / (3 X 85) X 3
9 is greater than .33823 – Press play without fear, Mr. Flynt.
Should Chewbacca push play on R2D2’s head to watch a sex hologram of Han Solo gettin’ on with the Princess? Well, Leia is pretty hot, but Han has done the Kessel run and they do weird stuff on that planet, so who knows what he’s into. Plus Wookies are notoriously prudish, with the exception of having a bit of a furry fetish. Let’s run the numbers:
8 > ((.50 X 180) / (3 X 33) X 9
8 is not greater than 8.181. But, this is Leia in the metal bikini we’re talking about. So Chewie’s probably gonna watch, as well he should.

Guys, you're never gonna believe this, but I made a mistake. I know, right? Me! The Barnacle! The Barn-Burner! The Chicken-Barn Sandwich!
Anyway, remember when I said that "End of the World" Sex is the best sex of all time? Well, there are a few more options that I left out/just thought of that are equally important. The list, like my deal, is extensive. Let’s dive right in, shall we?
"You Just Qualified for Rent Control" Sex
“They Dropped the Charges” Sex
“It's Only Tuesday?" Sex
"Jurassic Park Becomes A Real Thing" Sex
"Broken Turnstile Leading to Free Subway Ride" Sex
"Harrison and Lennon Come Back as Zombies and Force McCartney and Ringo to Start Touring Again… Or Even Just McCartney" Sex
"The Test Came Back Negative" Sex
"The 'Shawshank' Remake with Ryan Gosling Rumor is False" Sex
“They’re Going to Settle" Sex
"Your Music Video About Suits Just Went Viral" Sex
"She Doesn't Quite Understand English" Sex
"Sex with a Stripper" Sex
"Sex with an Australian Girl" Sex
"Sex with a Flight Attendant" Sex
“Sex With an Australian Flight Attendant Who Moonlights as a Stripper” Sex
"Just Convinced Her I’m the Ambassador to Pangea" Sex
"The Milk Has Only Been Expired for a Day or Two" Sex
"Skynet Just Became Self-Aware” Sex
“In & Out Burger’s Coming to New York?!" Sex
"New iPhone Announcement" Sex
“It's Still Only Tuesday?" Sex
“My Best-Selling Book, ‘The Bro Code and ‘The Playbook’ Are Available Wherever Fine Books Are Sold” Sex
“I Just Got Laid” Sex
“During TSA Screening” Sex
"Post TSA Screening" Sex
“We’re Seriously, Like, Three Years from Time Travel” Sex
"Banned from the Yankee Stadium Kiss Cam" Sex
“It’s Supposed to Rain This Weekend” Sex
“I Just Saved a Buck or Two on Car Insurance” Sex
“Flag Day” Sex BlogVennDiagram

Here's a tip: if your party develops any or, God forbid, all of these characteristics, shut it down. Also, beware of moving parties. Any so-called party that involves delivery pizza, beer you cannot keep cool because you have no fridge, and me loading all of your stuff into a U-haul is a direct affront to humanity. We out.

Other lame parties to watch out for:

Cuddle parties
Tupperware parties
Book club meetings
Parties of five
Block parties
Parties where e-vite is sent out more than two weeks in advance
Non-wedding parties with printed invitations
Wedding parties with printed invitations
Office parties
Parties with parlor games
Parties where parlor games from previous lame parties are discussed to any extent
Murder mystery parties
Parties with themes besides "nudity"
Parties like it's 1999
The Whig party

1. If you and your friends are dressing up as a group, make sure you coordinate your costumes. Because you’ll all want to be Bender.
2. You are never too old to play children’s games…
3. …and you don’t have to feel old because you don’t want to go to clubs. Let’s face it, we all want to stay home and watch TV most of the time.
4. Never force a relationship, especially if you know it’s doomed from the beginning.
5. Double dates will always suck for one of the couples.
6. There can be more than one “The One.” And yes, that includes food.
7. Love is about never giving up…
8. … and it can last for ETERNITY.
9. When you start a relationship, you might end up letting yourself go a little. We’ve all been there.
10. It’s completely valid to throw Star Wars references in any kind of situation.
11. Your best friends are those who will always tell you the truth about yourself. Even if it sucks.
12. It’s perfectly fine for men to drink pink cocktails. Well, they are delicious! Everybody should drink these things every day.
13. You will hate the nicknames your friends will give you, but they will do it anyway.
14. Every time you think you are being philosophical and smart, your friends will see you as pretentious.
15. The Hot-Crazy scale. If she’s crazy, she needs to be equally hot. Barney fact.
16. Everybody goes through a hippie phase at least once.
17. If you wake up and you can’t remember what happened the night before, it’s for the best. Some things need to remain a mystery.
18. Whenever you are in a relationship, your single friends will find you cheesy and annoying.
19. NEVER make a slap bet with a 6’2” tall guy.
20. There are some friends you will want to keep for the rest of your life.
Barney Stinson: [to "Jingle Bells"] Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I'll make your sister moan.
[Christmas 2006]
Barney Stinson: [to "We Wish You A Merry Christmas"] I wish I could see her naked, I wish I could see her naked, I wish I could see her naked, and down on all fours.
[Christmas 2007]
Barney Stinson: [to "The Dreidel Song"] Ted has a little sister, gets hotter every day, and if I ever meet her, with her boobies I will play. Everybody! Sister, sister, sister... What? I can celebrate Hanukah.

Double X Chromosome by Barney Stinson hot cutlet biscuit foxy chick bambi bunny dirty flirty thang

Laser Tag by Barney Stinson light cuts through the smoke where is my foe now?
Only his corn dog remains

Finer Wear by Barney Stinson two button pinstripe classic or legendary? depends on necktie

High Five by Barney Stinson one two three four five raise each one high in the air cut me some skin, bro

Wingman by Barney Stinson wingman O wingman please save me from the fatties it's your sworn duty

The bro code: A bro doesn't tell a mutual bro that a third bro has a crush on him, just like the third bro doesn't tell the mutual bro that the original bro went bare-pickle in front of her. SEE "QUID PRO BRO"

A bro who's also a chick, and therefore bang-able.

Over-excitement for any bro-ing out activity. e.g. Ricky popped a broner when his friend rented out the local laser tag arena for his birthday.

A safety device designed to counteract another bro's beer goggles. e.g. If it hadn't been for Sam's bronoculars, John would've totally tagged that ugmo.

The P-L-Bro:
A group of bros occupying the same brocation as your own brommunity.

1. A utopian bro-dom. 2. A strip club.

A motorcycle accommodating two or more gentlemen "on the bro."

9 Reasons you NEVER Wear Jeans to a Strip Club

9. Cloth pockets are roomier, more elastic, allowing for a thicker wad of cash.
8. Denim clashes with a club's leopard, zebra, or other safari animal motif.
7. Unless the gentleman's club is in your living room, you'll be going out to view these ladies, and thus, should be suiting up anyway.
6. Jeans remind dancers of their ostensibly disenfranchised, lower-tier socio-economic upbringing that has propelled them toward their unhappy, proletarian existence, mitigated only marginally by the delightfully tawdry, strobe-lit arena of the burlesque club.
5. Jeans remind dancers of YOUR ostensibly disenfranchised, lower-tier socio-economic upbringing that has propelled you toward your unhappy, proletarian existence, mitigated only marginally by the delightfully tawdry, strobe-lit arena of the burlesque club.
4. One word, two syllables, three hours in the E.R.: Zipper.
3. Jeans make my legs look skinny.
2. It's a performance, and deserves respect. These erotic dancers have practiced tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of choreographed art. Would you wear dungarees to a ballet? (Sorry, trick question. Unless you're into dudes displaying their pressed fruits, you don't watch ballet. So the answer's still "No." Trick question withdrawn.)
1. You don't feel it as much on your kazoo.…...

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Walmart vs Samara Bros must be determined whether the claimed trade dress is functional. If so, the trade dress cannot be registered or protected as a trademark. In general terms, a feature is “functional” and cannot serve as a trademark “if it is essential to the use or purpose of the article or if it affects the cost or quality of the article.” The functionality doctrine limits the types of product configurations and design features that can be registered and protected under trademark law. If the claimed trade dress is found not to be functional, the party claiming rights must satisfy additional legal requirements before achieving registration or protection. The Supreme Court addressed these requirements in the key case of Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. v. Samara Bros.,where the court distinguished between “product-design” trade dress and “product-packaging” trade dress. The two categories can be described as follows: 1. “Product-packaging” trade dress is composed of the overall combination and arrangement of the design elements that make up the product's packaging, including graphics, layout, color, or color combinations; and 2. “Product-design” trade dress covers a product's shape or configuration and other product design features.As discussed below, inherent distinctiveness does not entitle product-design trade dress to protection under the trademark laws. Only after product-design trade dress is shown to have acquired secondary meaning will it be entitled to such protection.......

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